Wednesday, January 23, 2008
paragraph by paragraph
Well I just poured my heart out, paragraph by paragraph just to hit the little x. Just like that every thought, memory and emotion that was written down disappeared. If only it were that easy...
I feel like I have a billion things to say, as if saying them would take away the pain. But instead I can't. I can't get myself to write it, and I can't get myself to say it, and unfortunately I can't get myself to forget it.
I can say this. I'm hurt. I'm feeling a little tattered and broken. And I feel quite a hint of guilt. I look around me and I see beautiful things. I have every material thing I could ask for, I have someone telling me I look beautiful, I have a great job, I have friends that are truly the greatest people.... and so I can't help but say to my self "suck it up princess". I don't want to bother anyone, and even if I did sharing wouldn't resolve anything.
I have some skeletons in my closet and for some reason they all want out right now. I think it's just the stage of life that I'm in. I'm no longer tied to anything, I am a nobody in a sense.. I'm at the point in my life where I really need to discover who I am when the social masks are removed. I hate the thought that I'm quoting a Britney Spears song but I do feel like "I'm not a girl but not yet a woman". That is both empowering and unsettling. Not to sounds too theoretical here, but a lot of the fathers of psychology agreed that we can't move life stages until we have accepted and corrected our previous stage. If that's the case it'll take me a good 10 years to erase the damage. (Fingers crossed). But seriously, how does one take all of this hurt and make it all better?
I remember when I was a student and I confided in a teacher... she just listened and only said this.... "you can only hold this down for soo long, but one day it's all going to surface and explode." She used the analogy of shaking a bottle of pop and opening the lid to express what it would feel like... then she said that once it's opened it can settle and go away.
I would ,very much, like to tell her she was right. It would one day get me, but instead of it feeling like a pop bottle it feels more like a volcanic eruption. Maybe I just let it fester for longer than she thought possible. Either way, I've gotta get through this.
| posted by Kiki at 12:03 AM
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had this to say:
It is true that life has no undo button. I have always thought that I wish it did. I have too written everything down only to destroy the evidence of my pain and guilt and pathos.
The exercise is not lost but is best described as Catharsis - meaning "purification" or "cleansing"
Every one of your experiences both good and bad builds to bring you to where you are. "Nothing is either good or bad, it is thinking that makes it so." So where we are and the pain that has brought us is the path to where we are. There is no denying that pain is real. What is harder to rationalize is that the pain of today makes tomorrow possible.
We all have skeletons in our closets. It's often a terrible weight to start something new while still haunted by the ghosts of the past. Bringing along with you the trunk of troubles that you packed when you left.
Changing stages in life often means leaving something behind. I know from my own experience I choose to leave something behind with every change in path. Once it was smoking; once it was a piercing; one it was a person; and even again I have left behind opportunities in favour for what lie ahead.
I spent many years of my life wondering who I was and where I belonged. Then one day I decided that I belonged where I was. Just exactly where I was. I might have to make my own rules and deal with disappointments but I was ready to belong right where I was. To stick my feet in the dirt and get rooted and reach for the sky.
Cheers!
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had this to say:
