A few days ago I had this conversation with the guy who knows me best, my UK buddy. He said one thing "don't worry Kiki, you're just fickle.. it's who you are".
I decided to look up the word fickle just to see how it can be construed.... and here is what it said...
FICKLE: deceitful and/or inconstant
the later is defiantly true but here's hoping the first one is not! I'm the kind of girl who loves the chase, but after a while wants to pursue again. I'm the one who can't wait to get somewhere new but when I land I'm thinking of another great place to continue too. I work hard at obtaining something but once it's obtained instead of admiring my success I rush to a new challenge.
Take my degrees for example. I'm 24 and I have a total of four degrees/ diplomas.. I did it all on scholarships that I earned and money I saved... within a month of finishing I stepped right into a great job, that right now is hard to get into... the result... Nothing... I'm already looking at going beyond that. Looking at extending my degrees, getting my PhD and becoming something better and not really feeling the success or the wow of it all. My first week of school everyone would say "how is it? what do you think of your class?" and my biggest response was "it's nice"
It's like I need to teach myself to slowdown and enjoy what I have. It's almost like I'm doing all the things that I know others think is impressive, yet I'm unimpressed myself. If I was suddenly swiped off the Earth tomorrow I wouldn't be able to say I was happy or that I did what I wanted.
| posted by Kiki at 3:47 AM
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had this to say:
Kiki:
I can so identify with what you are saying. I have been there for so very long. You see the next challenge to be attained just over the hill and once you get there you are in the pursuit of another. I know that it's just crap that people say but if you are running from something and it just happens to be you - everywhere you go - there you are... I only bring it up because I have been there myself.
I have on the other hand pursued goals as a means to an end recently and been far happier. I built a house and furnished it and immediately wanted to do it again. Why? Because I was in love with the process. The hunting and gathering. The timeline. The pride of saying I DID THIS. Recently I have come to the understanding that the stamps and stickers that you collect along the way are currency but what really matters is the time that you spend with the people in your life and what you share. That is what I have personally found empowering.
Keep writing and I'll keep commenting. Posting at 4 AM you must be some tired.
