Tuesday, January 29, 2008
How I Feel - Kelly Clarkson
Looks like I made a mess again
Heartbreak everywhere I step
This fire is getting hot again
But I touch the flame 'cause I'm a curious cat
Creeping where I don't belong
Finding out what I knew all along
Crying all alone
And it's all my fault, all my fault
Yeah, I did it again...again
Oh, I'm getting tired of believing
Even sicker of pretending
That it's not so bad, just wait it out
Oh, I think you're feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn't him
And that's how I feel right now so just let me be
Let me be
It seems every time I find a good man
He's got a good little wife
I'm not jealous but I won't lie
I don't want to hear about your wonderful life
And babies everywhere I look
Trophy wives with their little black books
At this rate I'm gonna end up alone
It's probably all my fault, all my fault
Oh, another dead end:again
Oh, I'm getting tired of believing
Even sicker of pretending
That it's not so bad, just wait it out
Oh, I think you're feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn't him
And that's how I feel right now
Bitter pill that I've swallowed
Just how low can my heart sink
Fairy tales from so long ago
Save them for someone that's
not smart enough to know
'Cause I, I'm getting tired of believing
I'm through pretending
Yeah I'm broken and sad so
I'll sit this one out
Oh I think you're feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn't him
And that's how I feel right now
| posted by Kiki at 9:47 PM
Monday, January 28, 2008
Time - Pink Floyd Lyrics
I'm a very confused and I just can't write all of which I'm thinking. There isn't enough time... but I will say that Pink Floyd was right on the money here....
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say...
| posted by Kiki at 12:18 AM
Friday, January 25, 2008
Selfish?
selfish?
| posted by Kiki at 5:58 PM
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
locked eyes...
Today I had one of those rare experiences. I was at the grocery store looking at a label and when I looked up there was a cutie looking me right in the eyes. Our eyes locked on each other and seemed to smile... then comes the immediate akward feeling.. the God was i staring? No ... was he staring?... loook down, look down fast... lol. It's almost like there was some instant chemistry. That feeling of a strange curiosity and at the same time getting the vibe that it's not one-sided. We just smiled and it was over.
| posted by Kiki at 6:48 PM
paragraph by paragraph
Well I just poured my heart out, paragraph by paragraph just to hit the little x. Just like that every thought, memory and emotion that was written down disappeared. If only it were that easy...
I feel like I have a billion things to say, as if saying them would take away the pain. But instead I can't. I can't get myself to write it, and I can't get myself to say it, and unfortunately I can't get myself to forget it.
I can say this. I'm hurt. I'm feeling a little tattered and broken. And I feel quite a hint of guilt. I look around me and I see beautiful things. I have every material thing I could ask for, I have someone telling me I look beautiful, I have a great job, I have friends that are truly the greatest people.... and so I can't help but say to my self "suck it up princess". I don't want to bother anyone, and even if I did sharing wouldn't resolve anything.
I have some skeletons in my closet and for some reason they all want out right now. I think it's just the stage of life that I'm in. I'm no longer tied to anything, I am a nobody in a sense.. I'm at the point in my life where I really need to discover who I am when the social masks are removed. I hate the thought that I'm quoting a Britney Spears song but I do feel like "I'm not a girl but not yet a woman". That is both empowering and unsettling. Not to sounds too theoretical here, but a lot of the fathers of psychology agreed that we can't move life stages until we have accepted and corrected our previous stage. If that's the case it'll take me a good 10 years to erase the damage. (Fingers crossed). But seriously, how does one take all of this hurt and make it all better?
I remember when I was a student and I confided in a teacher... she just listened and only said this.... "you can only hold this down for soo long, but one day it's all going to surface and explode." She used the analogy of shaking a bottle of pop and opening the lid to express what it would feel like... then she said that once it's opened it can settle and go away.
I would ,very much, like to tell her she was right. It would one day get me, but instead of it feeling like a pop bottle it feels more like a volcanic eruption. Maybe I just let it fester for longer than she thought possible. Either way, I've gotta get through this.
| posted by Kiki at 12:03 AM
Saturday, January 19, 2008
If I had a million dollars...
At work on Friday someone asked me what I would do if I won a million dollars tomorrow... here is my breakdown. I'd love to here yours.- $20 000 on cosmetic surgery
-$50 000 on travelling for the summer (yes, i would not quit my job right away)
- $ 300 000 an amazing condo looking at the Detroit skyline, price includes beautiful furniture. I don't want a house yet... just a really swanky sexy appartment with a hot tub and big grantie shower with a glass door entry.
- $5000 to go out one day and buy what ever I think I want without worrying about price tags
- Pay car off, and put the rest in high interest savings.
| posted by Kiki at 2:27 PM
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Why do you build me up, buttercup?
Sometimes I'm your one and only. Sometimes I rock your world and I'm all you need. Some days you can't wait to touch me, kiss me, feel me. Some days, you walk in with the sparkle in your eye and the want to please. Sometimes you surprise me and make me feel like the most important girl in the world.
Sometimes I'm the one standing in your way. Sometimes I'm invisible. Sometimes you walk in and I'm an obstacle. Sometimes, you make me feel like I am the least important girl in the world.
Sometimes I wonder who is confused. Is it you or is it me? And what one is true, or can they both be?
| posted by Kiki at 8:59 PM
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Regret #2456
Well maybe it wasn't that exact number but it's one... and yes this is shallow and stupid. I am well aware of that.
In my last relationship I worked as a shooter girl and cocktail waitress at a bar downtown... I basically got paid to drink, dance, carry a tray and flirt. fantastic.. well for the most part I never got tempted, there was never anyone who said just the right thing in just the right way. (perhaps because I wasn't looking for it.) I went home loyally at 4am every night to the same guy in the same bed. Except for one night. I was working a special day for the Big Bike race and we had community teams come in. One table was a group of fire fighters and police. I believe I fought hard to get this table, lol. Anyways there was one guy who was just amazing. Gorgeous in every aspect, yet sweet and not cocky. (A hard thing to find these days) He said everything right and we just seemed to click. I was more than excited.. It was my dream to be with an older man and a firefighter... it would kill two birds with one stone.... It somehow came to be that he was inviting me to a baseball game and I was dying to go. He asked for my number to go with his next bottle of beer... So i went behind the counter, ordered my drinks and found a napkin and a crayon a wrote my number. I shoved it into my pocket with a hint of guilt... I had an amazing guy waiting for me at home... When I got over to his table I gave him the drink and went to pull out my number and then I just couldn't do it. I felt too much guilt, so I ripped it in my pocket and handed the guy his bill. I thought it was over and I had succeeded temptation... He walked out and I sighed... then 2am rolled around... this was more than 6 hours later and he walked up to the bar. He pulled me aside and made me feel like the prettiest girl on the face of the earth... and right there while I was working we kissed. It was incredible .. until one of the bouncers saw.. who happened to know I was taken.. he ran up and said "don't worry I got em", and pulled this guy away from me... I had to tell him it was ok and to let the guy stay without admitting I had wanted this to occur. (lol)... well as much as he was sweet I still went home alone with my phone number scrunched up in my pocket. I wanted it more than anything but didn't want to hurt the guy waiting for me at home.
and now... in hindsight it's a regret. Had i known the guy i was with was eventually not going to be there when i needed him most I would have absolutely delved into one of my fantasies... and now I don't know what could have been. There was definite chemistry... maybe a one night stand but maybe it could have been something else, either way I wish I could go back. And yes when I return to the bar I always scope around and hope to see him, but I never have. Mike the Firefighter if you are reading this find me.... lol.
and now... in hindsight it's a regret. Had i known the guy i was with was eventually not going to be there when i needed him most I would have absolutely delved into one of my fantasies... and now I don't know what could have been. There was definite chemistry... maybe a one night stand but maybe it could have been something else, either way I wish I could go back. And yes when I return to the bar I always scope around and hope to see him, but I never have. Mike the Firefighter if you are reading this find me.... lol.
| posted by Kiki at 12:35 AM
Holding Back...
Well a relatively new friend of mine, who for the sake of it we shall call Donald, has really made me look deeper into that thought that I have been avoiding for a few years... Brutal reality check but it wasn't something I didn't already know.
After a sleepless night I have come to the realization that I'm okay with being cowardly. I find hope in the belief that sometimes we really are doing something for the sole reason that it will throw off our life path just enough to eventually get where we are meant to go.
I have this strong desire to bring attention back to a previous enter that I wrote over a year ago... it talked about not knowing how the people around you on a day-to-day basis might really be key people in the future.
Just the night before I was flicking through TV (which, if you know me, is a very rare occurrence) and happened to stumble on Sex in the City just long enough to hear "You should always wear make-up and a pretty shirt because you never know who is looking at you" I rolled my eyes at the stupidity of some people and flicked on. (side note... i Hate the idea of Sex in the City and I think Sarah Jessica Parker fell from the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.)
BUT ... after a sleepless night this dumb quote came back to me. .. and it ties in to the not knowing who you will see and when.. and what the future holds. Needless to say, when I need to make a quick grocery stop I might just put the heels on instead of the pumps. Where am I going with this? No where. I am babbling so as not to state what is really on my mind.
~~~I will say this~~~
I have come to realize I'm not the old me, not even close. And I am fickle but not deceitful. I am as loyal as they come but not always true. I want many things but I'm satisfied with just a simple few. And I always want what I just can't have. I am the girl that just when you think you know me, I will throw you for a loop and its back into the unknown.
| posted by Kiki at 12:07 AM
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Too scared...
On the drive home from work tonight a thought came into my head. It was a thought that has always been in the back of my head but I've tried very hard to keep it from surfacing. It's something that is too personal to place here.
I'm not sure what to do with this thought... I know what I should do but I'm not ready for that .. at least not yet. The truth is i'm quite cowardly and still too weak... but it's not fair... and to more than just me.
Why are the things we need to do so hard? So for now, I plan to continue to hide that thought until a better time.
I'm not sure what to do with this thought... I know what I should do but I'm not ready for that .. at least not yet. The truth is i'm quite cowardly and still too weak... but it's not fair... and to more than just me.
Why are the things we need to do so hard? So for now, I plan to continue to hide that thought until a better time.
| posted by Kiki at 12:17 AM
Friday, January 04, 2008
Never enough
Well it's late and I have too many thoughts on my head to just close my eyes. I wonder sometimes why I'm always in seek of more. I have this incessant need to be and to obtain more. That can't be healthy. Don't get me wrong, i definitely appreciate what I have and who I am... but sometimes I think of how big the world really is and I know it has more. More for the taking and it's all just within reach.
A few days ago I had this conversation with the guy who knows me best, my UK buddy. He said one thing "don't worry Kiki, you're just fickle.. it's who you are".
I decided to look up the word fickle just to see how it can be construed.... and here is what it said...
FICKLE: deceitful and/or inconstant
the later is defiantly true but here's hoping the first one is not! I'm the kind of girl who loves the chase, but after a while wants to pursue again. I'm the one who can't wait to get somewhere new but when I land I'm thinking of another great place to continue too. I work hard at obtaining something but once it's obtained instead of admiring my success I rush to a new challenge.
Take my degrees for example. I'm 24 and I have a total of four degrees/ diplomas.. I did it all on scholarships that I earned and money I saved... within a month of finishing I stepped right into a great job, that right now is hard to get into... the result... Nothing... I'm already looking at going beyond that. Looking at extending my degrees, getting my PhD and becoming something better and not really feeling the success or the wow of it all. My first week of school everyone would say "how is it? what do you think of your class?" and my biggest response was "it's nice"
It's like I need to teach myself to slowdown and enjoy what I have. It's almost like I'm doing all the things that I know others think is impressive, yet I'm unimpressed myself. If I was suddenly swiped off the Earth tomorrow I wouldn't be able to say I was happy or that I did what I wanted.
Perhaps I should quit everything and be a travelling gypsy. lol, I think that is what my heart desires...(scary thought, but there is some truth to it!)
| posted by Kiki at 3:47 AM
Thursday, January 03, 2008
After the holidays...
Wow. I'm enjoying the teacher perks... 2 weeks off for Christmas. I used to work at a call centre and worked every Christmas and New years. I like this change. I've been lazy with my jogging and weight training lately. I had originally thought that I'd have extra time to work on my health during the holidays... turns out I was wrong. It's time to catch up... but i'm still on track with my goal, so yay! to that.
I'm noticing that I'm still not happy with my body but I'm overall much happier. I was reading earlier posts and it's funny to see how much change one person can go through. I even lost my stress pocket two days ago. That is a huge relief!
So.. lets see what is new in my life? My best friend has come back from UK. He's been here for a few weeks and will be heading home this weekend. We spent a lot of time together, and I'm soo greatful for him. We are planning on travelling together in July. It's been my dream since I was about 12 to go to Greece and I'm about to make it a reality. I get an adrenaline rush just thinking about boarding the plane! Aggghhh! I haven't been able to go anywhere because school took every dime I had.. but now it's back to my adventures... ☺
I have a new diamond necklace. My baby got it for me and it's absolutely stunning. I won't lie, I found the receipt prior to opening it and couldn't believe that he thought I was worth this. Sounds silly, maybe but I'm still in shock. He really can be selfless and amazing.
Oh and I got a sexy new car... I forgot that I haven't mentioned that. It's a 2008 Sebring convertible -> sparkly silver with a black top.. that's right I'm sexy now. (Too bad it's too damn cold to enjoy it!)
Ok that wasn't much of a post, but it's over just the same.
I'm noticing that I'm still not happy with my body but I'm overall much happier. I was reading earlier posts and it's funny to see how much change one person can go through. I even lost my stress pocket two days ago. That is a huge relief!
So.. lets see what is new in my life? My best friend has come back from UK. He's been here for a few weeks and will be heading home this weekend. We spent a lot of time together, and I'm soo greatful for him. We are planning on travelling together in July. It's been my dream since I was about 12 to go to Greece and I'm about to make it a reality. I get an adrenaline rush just thinking about boarding the plane! Aggghhh! I haven't been able to go anywhere because school took every dime I had.. but now it's back to my adventures... ☺
I have a new diamond necklace. My baby got it for me and it's absolutely stunning. I won't lie, I found the receipt prior to opening it and couldn't believe that he thought I was worth this. Sounds silly, maybe but I'm still in shock. He really can be selfless and amazing.
Oh and I got a sexy new car... I forgot that I haven't mentioned that. It's a 2008 Sebring convertible -> sparkly silver with a black top.. that's right I'm sexy now. (Too bad it's too damn cold to enjoy it!)
Ok that wasn't much of a post, but it's over just the same.
| posted by Kiki at 6:40 PM
