Sunday, March 16, 2008
we are moving
This blog is all packed up and moved to somewhere new...Yes, because i said so and because i can. :P
Dare to ask where it is?
| posted by Kiki at 2:12 AM
Monday, February 25, 2008
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
- Nelson Mandela
| posted by Kiki at 11:20 PM
So much is said in silence...
I haven't written anything in a while, but so much is said in me not writing. I haven't spent time on this blog for fear of saying things that I didn't want to say. Worried about the consequences, the truths and well... perhaps the shock value. I feel very much like I'm going through life with a blindfold on. But I'm not naive, I realize I was the one who tied it. I was on track, getting happier but since Christmas it's been down hill at rapid speed. I wanted change and I definately got it.... oh boy did I ever.... just not what I had originally planned on changing. The past month or so has been challenging. I'm really sore and low on energy. I don't want to go into too much detail but I will say that I'm scared. I am scared that I have become what I feared most. That I ahve let myself be like someone I despise. and whats worse is I know what needs to be done but I can't. Something is holding me back.. something big. It's been holding me down for so long that I don't even know how to get up.
Yes, I am dancing around more issues. It's what I do best. I've become very good at seperate emotions from feelings. I write my emotions so as to feel like I have purged what weighs on me, but I do it in a way that I don't have to feel the underpinnings of it all.
| posted by Kiki at 10:57 PM
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
How I Feel - Kelly Clarkson
Looks like I made a mess again
Heartbreak everywhere I step
This fire is getting hot again
But I touch the flame 'cause I'm a curious cat
Creeping where I don't belong
Finding out what I knew all along
Crying all alone
And it's all my fault, all my fault
Yeah, I did it again...again
Oh, I'm getting tired of believing
Even sicker of pretending
That it's not so bad, just wait it out
Oh, I think you're feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn't him
And that's how I feel right now so just let me be
Let me be
It seems every time I find a good man
He's got a good little wife
I'm not jealous but I won't lie
I don't want to hear about your wonderful life
And babies everywhere I look
Trophy wives with their little black books
At this rate I'm gonna end up alone
It's probably all my fault, all my fault
Oh, another dead end:again
Oh, I'm getting tired of believing
Even sicker of pretending
That it's not so bad, just wait it out
Oh, I think you're feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn't him
And that's how I feel right now
Bitter pill that I've swallowed
Just how low can my heart sink
Fairy tales from so long ago
Save them for someone that's
not smart enough to know
'Cause I, I'm getting tired of believing
I'm through pretending
Yeah I'm broken and sad so
I'll sit this one out
Oh I think you're feeding me lies again
The only good man left wasn't him
And that's how I feel right now
| posted by Kiki at 9:47 PM
Monday, January 28, 2008
Time - Pink Floyd Lyrics
I'm a very confused and I just can't write all of which I'm thinking. There isn't enough time... but I will say that Pink Floyd was right on the money here....
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but its sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but youre older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the english way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought Id something more to say...
| posted by Kiki at 12:18 AM
Friday, January 25, 2008
Selfish?
selfish?
| posted by Kiki at 5:58 PM
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
locked eyes...
Today I had one of those rare experiences. I was at the grocery store looking at a label and when I looked up there was a cutie looking me right in the eyes. Our eyes locked on each other and seemed to smile... then comes the immediate akward feeling.. the God was i staring? No ... was he staring?... loook down, look down fast... lol. It's almost like there was some instant chemistry. That feeling of a strange curiosity and at the same time getting the vibe that it's not one-sided. We just smiled and it was over.
| posted by Kiki at 6:48 PM
paragraph by paragraph
Well I just poured my heart out, paragraph by paragraph just to hit the little x. Just like that every thought, memory and emotion that was written down disappeared. If only it were that easy...
I feel like I have a billion things to say, as if saying them would take away the pain. But instead I can't. I can't get myself to write it, and I can't get myself to say it, and unfortunately I can't get myself to forget it.
I can say this. I'm hurt. I'm feeling a little tattered and broken. And I feel quite a hint of guilt. I look around me and I see beautiful things. I have every material thing I could ask for, I have someone telling me I look beautiful, I have a great job, I have friends that are truly the greatest people.... and so I can't help but say to my self "suck it up princess". I don't want to bother anyone, and even if I did sharing wouldn't resolve anything.
I have some skeletons in my closet and for some reason they all want out right now. I think it's just the stage of life that I'm in. I'm no longer tied to anything, I am a nobody in a sense.. I'm at the point in my life where I really need to discover who I am when the social masks are removed. I hate the thought that I'm quoting a Britney Spears song but I do feel like "I'm not a girl but not yet a woman". That is both empowering and unsettling. Not to sounds too theoretical here, but a lot of the fathers of psychology agreed that we can't move life stages until we have accepted and corrected our previous stage. If that's the case it'll take me a good 10 years to erase the damage. (Fingers crossed). But seriously, how does one take all of this hurt and make it all better?
I remember when I was a student and I confided in a teacher... she just listened and only said this.... "you can only hold this down for soo long, but one day it's all going to surface and explode." She used the analogy of shaking a bottle of pop and opening the lid to express what it would feel like... then she said that once it's opened it can settle and go away.
I would ,very much, like to tell her she was right. It would one day get me, but instead of it feeling like a pop bottle it feels more like a volcanic eruption. Maybe I just let it fester for longer than she thought possible. Either way, I've gotta get through this.
| posted by Kiki at 12:03 AM
Saturday, January 19, 2008
If I had a million dollars...
At work on Friday someone asked me what I would do if I won a million dollars tomorrow... here is my breakdown. I'd love to here yours.- $20 000 on cosmetic surgery
-$50 000 on travelling for the summer (yes, i would not quit my job right away)
- $ 300 000 an amazing condo looking at the Detroit skyline, price includes beautiful furniture. I don't want a house yet... just a really swanky sexy appartment with a hot tub and big grantie shower with a glass door entry.
- $5000 to go out one day and buy what ever I think I want without worrying about price tags
- Pay car off, and put the rest in high interest savings.
| posted by Kiki at 2:27 PM
